I’ve been shitcanned due to not being a keyword whore. The joke’s on them, because I have a few posts left on my contract. Better make it count.

The previous column (still a column, not another linkbaity tutorial) was easy enough to write. There just wasn’t any choice, I had to make fun of being laid off this opinionated column of mine, and I had to do something featuring keywords. But if you know you have another four posts left, what do you write about?

I imagine this is how terminally ill people feel like.

Or maybe not.

Then it hit me. My obvious disdain of writing for robots is just one thing I hate about writing for the web in general, and traffic-hungry blogs in particular.

Here are 7 types of posts that I loathe:

1. Top X themes/plugins/pictures of cats to make your day/earn money/make you famous. This is linkbaity crap that could be helpful but since most of it is utter shit it just makes my stomach turn. Yes, WPMU.org is guilty of this.
2. Paste this code in your functions.php file and your blog will spurt double rainbows/get some feature to clutter it even further. You know, most of the time the code is poor and your need for it is none when you think about it. Don’t ever add something you don’t need, and if you need it, add it the right way. In fact, most of the time the code you put in your functions.php because some blogger told you to should be a plugin instead.
3. This is the iPad 4 Mini Retina Air (or whatever it is that makes you all giddy)! But it isn’t, it is a rumored backplate of a product that might or might not exist that you found on some forum. It might be a hoax, it might be a piece from a prototype, it might be an plain ol’ lie. Point is, your headline isn’t telling the truth, it is just aiming for clicks. It makes me hate you.
4. What do you think about this? (Haha I won’t answer comments!) Go ahead, write an opinionated piece, make it controversial, invite people to discuss and spend time proving you wrong. Then forget about them, don’t answer, ignore comments, remove the ones you don’t like, be an asshole. It is disrespectful behavior, you know. WPMU.org is guilty of this too, but they might not be when I’m gone…
5. 69 beautiful themes that is better than sex. How is this different from #1? Well, these themes are actually beautiful (albeit not better than sex, unless you dislike sex, in which case this might be true) and you want them all, badly. Problem is, they are all paid themes, and every bloody link is an affiliate link. You can even make this more annoying: Put some decent free themes up top, and then show the truly impressive ones below, which cost money. Oh the hatred! This wouldn’t be so bad if I knew I was getting a list of stuff that costs money, by the way. I’m pretty sure WPMU.org is guilty of this at times, I’m not sure. Prove me wrong in the comment if you dare (refer to #4 before you do, though).
6. In fact, every list containing images of other people’s creations and a link is nasty shit.
7. List posts. I hate unwarranted lists, and now I hate myself. Also, WPMU.org does these, so I’ll let them have some of my hate as well.

What sort of posts do you hate? If you say that you hate this post, I will not answer your comment.

This Week’s Piece of WordPress Advice
Organize a meetup/tweetup/beatup and talk to real people, not just internet trolls and ranting columnists. This is great fun, no matter if you take it all the way to a WordCamp, or just get together over coffee/beer/virgin blood. I bet you’ll learn something.

Photo by Stuart Richards (CC)